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What’s The Use…

Many things have become painfully obvious to me in the past months. One of which is that no one reads this blog that periodically I pour my heart into, so doing so now, if nothing else, will hopefully be therapeutic to me. I have long felt that though I have a few pseudo supporters in this past years quest for enlightenment, that most people just shake their heads at me. Let’s face it, no one really gives a shit and they shouldn’t. Everyone has lives of their own but I overheard a phone conversation this morning as a family member spoke to a sibling, btw-overhearing is not hard to do since everyone but me seems to be hearing impaired thus: the use of speakerphones. I didn’t hear all of it, I just happened to walk in the room when the sibling was saying, “Tim is old enough to know he needs to save money…” but before she actually used my name she made a mistake and called me,”Jerry”, which is the name of a family member that constantly calls the other siblings asking for money, and according to some, it is thought that it’s so he can purchase drugs. Feeling that I am now being labeled this way cut to the bone.
I AM earning money here by helping out but deep inside I do not feel that I deserve it and feel horribly guilty about it. I owe my family so much for they have helped me so much…I am not ashamed that I quit my job back in June, and I did find another job almost as soon as I started looking (visit my last two blogs), but here, in Gooding, I have had no luck. There was even an opportunity this past week to actually get a position at a local hospital in a field I’ve worked half my life. I interviewed and as I was sitting fielding questions who’s answers I knew by heart, I knew that I was failing and would not get the job, and sure enough, yesterday I received the letter…and that was by no means my only quest for work. I’ve put in over 2 dozen applications and resumes from retail, driving positions to healthcare. I was lucky to get that job in Pasco but again, I needed to leave it (again, see my last two entries) and I now understand that I don’t hold all of those particular cards anymore. Oh, I have great experience in my field…but I am no longer in my prime. Far from it, and unwanted it seems. As it should be. The survival of the fittest. The only interviews I’ve had are in the healthcare field, in Pasco and in Gooding. All of my other applications got me a, “Thanks, but no thanks.” if that. The majority I never even heard back from.
So, I’ve become a financial drain on others not to mention a topic of conversation apparently…So, I’ve failed at everything I set out to do in june, so, I have thus become a Failure. I am earning some but I am basically destitute, earning just enough give me some comfort but not enough to be human…I know that I am helping family some right now but since I’m also a drain on them, the help I provide seems mute and I now feel useless. Not long ago I told someone that if I didn’t have work by a week or so before Christmas that I would leave here before the holiday and head south as far as my last bit of money would get me so that maybe, at least I could spend time with my face in the sun, feeling a natural warmth on my back…that time is here.
I will be going to Twin Falls this week to seek financial help from the state. I will also continue to look for work opportunities… but not for long.
I began a search in June and it’s left me feeling that I’m no good. I can’t waste time looking for that shit anymore. And it has been a waste of time. The question now, I guess is, “How much more time do I waste here…?”
Sometimes there’s no use looking anymore…Sometimes you’re just done.

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Un-Settling…

8am, October 23rd, 2012…I’m sitting in my (soon to be another’s) small apartment on Waverly Place in Kennewick Washington. Oddly, it’s appearance on this, the day I move away truly resembles every other day of it’s occupation…Empty. Empty because I don’t really own anything to fill it up, half of my belongings are in Gooding Idaho and amounts to just enough to add to the contents of one of the closets but little more. Empty as the well my soul resided in while dwelling here, Tri-Cities being likable enough but the job…The Job, unfulfilling as any I’ve worked in forty years of toil, no pay to speak of, at least not enough to compensate for the stress involved, thus my apartment was poorly lit to save money and my existence… was devoid of light completely it seemed because I could not do a thing except work that job and then go to this grey scaled hovel, hunkering down for the night and weekend. Empty as my heart knowing that once again I am isolated from Love by Geography, Distance, Time, Season. Far more days spent glowering in the shadows of discontent, not looking to the horizon, nose not in the wind, not feeling the warmth of the sun… With the dreary autumn looking as though it wants to give way to a drearier winter at any moment, a winter that, at least in my depressed mind could only be rivaled by the one depicted in Wharton’s Ethan Frome…I flee.

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Settling in…For now

Well, it’s been awhile since I posted. I really haven’t been up to much in the past few weeks except waiting. Waiting to find out if I stay or move, come or go…Freedom takes alot of money if you want to be on the road rather than in the woods. I found myself wanting to spend more time with my loved ones and that leads to more spending (not their fault, just the way I am. I want to make sure we can do things together  like eat out, go for drives, that sort of thing)  I also took “The Trip” to Mount Rushmore and Devils Tower and when all was said and done I found myself wishing I hadn’t gone. There was a blistering heatwave across the country when I rolled across Montana, visiting dinosaur museums along a northern Montana highway on my way to the Black Hills. I was driving 400 miles a day with no air conditioning in the car, in 100+ temps in areas that normally would have been 15 degrees cooler so by the time I was ready to stop, camping out, which was always in the plan for me, was out of the question…Did you know that there are no trees in Montana east of the Rockies? So no shade, no respite from the heat…But there are motels. So at $100 a pop I spent all but one night in those artificially cooled oases and was so disgruntled by being so far from where I really wanted to be that I could hardly enjoy the sights and was so wanting to get back to Lakeside Montana that I drove right through Yellowstone without so much as stopping to pee on a Grizzly Bear.
With most of my money used up I decided to find work so I can build up reserves again so I can set out again sometime in the future, hoping that the lessons I’ve learned will get me farther than these past few months got me.
And so here I am in a small apartment in Kennewick Washington, a town I had never been to before 3 weeks ago when I traveled here for a job interview…And now I live here…For now.
I want to stay and work 6 months here and then find some work in Lakeside where my grand kids and their intrepid parents live…For now.
But all this is certainly a part of  the overall adventure I set upon 3 1/2 months ago…Not a year…Or 2…Like I had planned on…But I’ve done and seen a lot and most of all I’ve learned some things about myself which was the number one reason for going…But there’s more to come.

Now that I know I can leave one life behind and start anew there is little stopping me…For now.

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Where I Belong?

One of the reasons I left the Oakhurst area was I didn’t feel like it was were I should be but at the same time was clueless as to where I belonged and was hoping to, among other things, figure out “My Place” in this world knowing full well that I may never figure it out…And I’m telling you, I feel so alone in this quest sometimes that I truly hope that I am the only one to ever feel this way. Everyone deserves a place to call their own and the lucky one is able to share it with someone.

Each time I leave my grandsons, Eoghan and Finnegan I am so emotionally overwhelmed that I’ve started to believe that my heart is telling me that I’m not SUPPOSED to be leaving them.

So I’ve decided that when Andy and Cortnie finish Andy’s school here in Lakeside Montana, return from what ever part of the world they go to for Andy to graduate, oh, say sometime next spring, I will move here to Lakeside to watch the boys grow and to be a burden to Andy and Cortnie.

This is such a beautiful area, right on Flat Head Lake, the Rocky Mountains to the east, rivers and lakes everywhere, plenty of places to ride my bike including a couple of local ski areas that provide lift shuttles to the tops of their respective mountains for high speed downhill runs to the local infirmaries. So much fun!

When Eoghan was a baby I did not groan as much when I had to shovel snow as I did after he had moved to Portland with his parents and I’d like to find out if he and his brother are an incentive of sorts…well I believe they are already, I’ve decided to be close to them, right?…but none the less, shoveling will be a task the winters in Montana will provide. Much more that In Oakhurst but the benefits are infinite. Maybe I can buy THEM shovels, too!

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My Oregon Trail

A compilation of moments spent with Andy, Cortnie, Eoghan & Finnegan in Oregon and a few lonelier ones as I sadly move on, alone. Happily I am back together with them in Montana for a few days. I hope that when we part this time it won’t be quite as sad…